Harry
2004-05-05 08:45:04 UTC
For those who don't know, Dennis Miller is a comedian
who has a show called Dennis Miller Live on HBO. He
recently went on a rant about the Mideast situation:]
"A brief overview of the situation is always valuable,
so as a service to all Americans who still don't get
it, I now offer you the story of the Middle East in
just a few paragraphs, which is all you Really need.
Here we go:
The Palestinians want their own country. There's just
one thing about that: There are no Palestinians. It's
a made up word. Israel was called Palestine for two
thousand years. Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds
ancient but is really a modern invention. Before the
Israelis won the land in the 1967 war, Gaza was
owned by Egypt, the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and
there were no "Palestinians".
As soon as the Jews took over and started growing
oranges as big as basketballs, what do you know, say
hello to the Palestinians," weeping for their deep
bond with their lost "land" and "nation."
So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word
"Palestinian" any more to describe these delightful
folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until someone
points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call
them what they are: "Other Arabs Who Can't
Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap
Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal
Struggle And Death."
I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on
CNN. How about this, then: "Adjacent Jew-Haters." Okay,
so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country.
Oops, just one more thing. No, they don't. They could've
had their own country any time in the last thirty years,
especially two years ago at Camp David. But if you
have your own country, you have to have traffic
lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and,
worse, you actually have to figure out some way to
make a living.
That's no fun. No, they want what all the other
Jew-Haters in the region want: Israel. They also
want a big pile of dead Jews, of course --that's where
the real fun is -- but mostly they want Israel.
Why? For one thing, trying to destroy Israel - or
"The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it -- for
the last fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab
countries to divert the attention of their own
people away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most
illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on
God's Earth, and if you've ever been around God's
Earth, you know that's really saying something.
It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our
pundits waxes poetic about the great history and culture of
the Muslim Mideast. Unless I'm missing something,
the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since
Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for
that one.
Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred
million Arabs; five Million Jews. Think of all the Arab
countries as a football field, and Israel as a pack
of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these
same folks swear that if Israel gives them half of
that pack of matches, Everyone will be pals.
Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the
string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and
the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew
into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding.
My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the
other day: Just reverse the Numbers. Imagine five hundred
million Jews and five million Arabs. I was stunned
at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the
Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to
themselves? Of course not. Or marshalling every fiber
and force at their disposal for generations to
drive a tiny Arab State into the sea? Nonsense Or
dancing for joy at the murder of innocents?
Impossible. Or spreading and believing horrible
lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of
children? Disgusting. No, as you know, left to
themselves in a world of peace, the worst Jews would
ever do to people is debate them to death.
Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I
understand that with vital operations in Iraq and
others, it's in our interest, as Americans, to try
to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible, and,
after all, that can't be much harder than
stabilizing a roomful of supermodels who've just had their drugs
taken away.
However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always
a danger of losing moral weight. We've already lost
some. After September 11 our president told us and
the world he was going to root out all terrorists and
the countries that supported them. Beautiful. Then the
Israelis, after months and months of having the
equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then
every day) start to do the same thing we did, and we
tell them to show restraint.
If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City
every day, we would all very shortly be screaming
for the administration to just be done with it and kill
everything south of the Mediterranean and east of
the Jordan."
who has a show called Dennis Miller Live on HBO. He
recently went on a rant about the Mideast situation:]
"A brief overview of the situation is always valuable,
so as a service to all Americans who still don't get
it, I now offer you the story of the Middle East in
just a few paragraphs, which is all you Really need.
Here we go:
The Palestinians want their own country. There's just
one thing about that: There are no Palestinians. It's
a made up word. Israel was called Palestine for two
thousand years. Like "Wiccan," "Palestinian" sounds
ancient but is really a modern invention. Before the
Israelis won the land in the 1967 war, Gaza was
owned by Egypt, the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and
there were no "Palestinians".
As soon as the Jews took over and started growing
oranges as big as basketballs, what do you know, say
hello to the Palestinians," weeping for their deep
bond with their lost "land" and "nation."
So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word
"Palestinian" any more to describe these delightful
folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until someone
points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call
them what they are: "Other Arabs Who Can't
Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap
Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal
Struggle And Death."
I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on
CNN. How about this, then: "Adjacent Jew-Haters." Okay,
so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country.
Oops, just one more thing. No, they don't. They could've
had their own country any time in the last thirty years,
especially two years ago at Camp David. But if you
have your own country, you have to have traffic
lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and,
worse, you actually have to figure out some way to
make a living.
That's no fun. No, they want what all the other
Jew-Haters in the region want: Israel. They also
want a big pile of dead Jews, of course --that's where
the real fun is -- but mostly they want Israel.
Why? For one thing, trying to destroy Israel - or
"The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it -- for
the last fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab
countries to divert the attention of their own
people away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most
illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on
God's Earth, and if you've ever been around God's
Earth, you know that's really saying something.
It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our
pundits waxes poetic about the great history and culture of
the Muslim Mideast. Unless I'm missing something,
the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since
Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for
that one.
Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred
million Arabs; five Million Jews. Think of all the Arab
countries as a football field, and Israel as a pack
of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these
same folks swear that if Israel gives them half of
that pack of matches, Everyone will be pals.
Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the
string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and
the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew
into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding.
My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the
other day: Just reverse the Numbers. Imagine five hundred
million Jews and five million Arabs. I was stunned
at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the
Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to
themselves? Of course not. Or marshalling every fiber
and force at their disposal for generations to
drive a tiny Arab State into the sea? Nonsense Or
dancing for joy at the murder of innocents?
Impossible. Or spreading and believing horrible
lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of
children? Disgusting. No, as you know, left to
themselves in a world of peace, the worst Jews would
ever do to people is debate them to death.
Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I
understand that with vital operations in Iraq and
others, it's in our interest, as Americans, to try
to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible, and,
after all, that can't be much harder than
stabilizing a roomful of supermodels who've just had their drugs
taken away.
However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always
a danger of losing moral weight. We've already lost
some. After September 11 our president told us and
the world he was going to root out all terrorists and
the countries that supported them. Beautiful. Then the
Israelis, after months and months of having the
equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then
every day) start to do the same thing we did, and we
tell them to show restraint.
If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City
every day, we would all very shortly be screaming
for the administration to just be done with it and kill
everything south of the Mediterranean and east of
the Jordan."